Thursday, October 21, 2004

Mandate of Heaven Reads: Emporer Naked

The Spinmeister Alert Today Is:

For reasons beyond our ken John Kerry decided today that he would take an afternoon off from campaigning and saving his aides from certain peril and from tripping on the stairs (we note that no one had enough love for Karl Rove to extend him the same courtesy) to control the local geese population. You'll note, however, from the location he chose for this little jaunt into nature that he seems not to have forgotten Poland after all.

The administration was not long in sending out their own nature lover and killer of water fowl to show the disingenuousness of the Kerry Call of the Wild. The Veep derrided the hunting trip while at a campaign rally in Sylvania, Ohio. Yes, he noted that Kerry wore a new camouflage jacket, having not brought his old one on the campaign trail. Well, we sure think the Veep has a point there: what the hell kind of real fan, er, sportsman buys a brand new hat, er, jacket when he's going to a game, er, on a hunt. The kind looking for a photo-op with Mayor Twin Towers, er, a dead goose, that's who! Perhaps the Veep just knows that it ain't a real hunting trip unless you take along a Supreme Court Justice whose about to hear a case against you. That's how real men hunt foul, er, fowl: recused in a duck blind with your favorite judge.

Speaking of The Sultan of Scare, the Veep went on the Sean Hannity show where he said of his boss: "But he's great about allowing me to sort of stick my oar in wherever I think I can be helpful. Sometimes he asks me to take on specific problems and go solve them for him. And I'm delighted to do all that." We hope that Jon Stewart was watching: because this is what being a "butt boy" really looks like. Before sticking his oar anywhere, however, Hannity gave the Veep the opportunity to refute claims that the GOP is trying to disenfranchise black voters. Cheney answered "It's just fundamentally untrue. It's another one of those lies, distortions. I've tried hard not to use that that word. A clear misrepresentation. Just an out and out effort to scare people." Huh. That's funny. There's those Florida 'felon' rolls, which are mostly black voters. And there is the issue of a GOP official saying the Detroit vote had to be suppressed for a win in Michigan (as opposed to suppressing, say, the predominately white western Michigan vote). And then the shenanigans in Philadelphia in which the GOP attempted to have 63 polling stations in predominately black neighborhoods moved at the last minute. While the Veep is making denials, his own party members on the ground seem to disagree:

"Race played a role in at least five of the requests, according to Matt Robb, the Republican leader of the 48th ward in South Philadelphia. Robb said he allowed his name to be used because those polling places are in neighborhoods he doesn't wish to visit. "It's predominantly, 100 percent black," said Robb, who is white. "I'm just not going in there to get a knife in my back."
Yeah, that is a Philadelphia Republican leader saying he wants to move the polling station out of a black neighborhood to save him and all the other white voters from being killed by those murderous dark skinned people. But race isn't an issue, right Dick?

Schadenfreude is bad for the soul. Still. Today's schadenfreude moment is brought to you by Bill O'Reilly from his new book for kids. "And guys, if you exploit a girl, it will come back to get you. That’s called “karma.” Yeah, Bill, that is just the dictionary definition of karma. Thankfully "falafel" doesn't appear in the index.

Coming hard upon Ron Suskind's really frigging scary article about the Bush administration's rejection of empirically tested reality, Bush ally and 700 club wingnut Pat Robertson felt it necessary to clear the air by confirming that Dubya does, in fact, live in a fantasy world. Robertson told an interviewer on CNN that just before the Iraq invasion he felt compelled to warn Bush that the conflict was going to be messy. (Robertson says God told him so. Uh, yeah. Well common sense told us. We kinda think that medication might help with the voices, but whatever). Bush's answer? "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties."

Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties. First of all, anyone out there who said Bush didn't "mean" it when he said, post-9/11, that the war on terror was a "crusade" will kindly go eat their own shoe. Next up, one wonders how he reconciles that pre-invasion MASH note from The Big Guy with the mounting casualties that just keep happening in the real world.

But what the hell do we know? We're part of the "reality-based community." Apparently we should just sit back and listen to the White House Chia Pet, Scott McClellan when he tells us "Of course the president never made such a comment." Of course. Because the PoTUS has such a long history of having any clue about what the hell is going on outside of the bubble.

What gives us extra willies is that despite Robertson saying he "wished Mr. Bush would acknowledge his mistake," he continued to say about Bush: "I think God's blessing him, and I think it's one of those things that, even if he stumbles and messes up — and he's had his share of goofs and gaffes — I just think God's blessing is on him," Robertson said. "And you remember, I think the Chinese used to say, you know, it's the blessing of heaven on the emperor. And I think the blessing of heaven is on Bush. It's just the way it is."

Yes, Pat Robertson thinks Dubya has the mandate of heaven. Check it out Pat, you're right that China's emperors used to claim to have the mandate of heaven. But look where it got them: commiepinkoland. So cut that shit out, okay?

In a completely unsurprising move, Walmart has decided to pull Jon Stewart's best selling mock text books from their shelves when they discovered there were naked bodies shown inside. Because no one that shops at Walmart lives in the corporeal world, and they were afraid that if their employees opened the books to the page purporting to show nude supreme court justices the sight would cause them to burst into flames.

Finally, this is almost funny enough to make us watch television. Almost.

* All Spinmeister Alert colors for the last two weeks of campaigning will be filched from the color names for underpants found in a certain catalog.


Blogger Calamity Jane said...

Oh, such a good duck photo essay. I am wondering what the Walmart-Duck Hunting overlap could be...

What about the Boston Red Sox Phoenix? I hear the Bostonian shamans are predicting a Kerry win based on the phenomenon. What does madam spin think?

October 22, 2004 at 7:34 AM

Blogger fast & wily said...

You know, Fast and I talked about the potential meta-presidential race if the Astros made it to the World Series- y'know, Boston vs. Houston, etc. Particularly since I believe that Game 7 (were it to make it that far) would have happened on Oct. 30- three days before the election (and maybe the same day if there had been a rain-out!) But the Texas team couldn't quite make it to the finish line. So we've pulled back to regular old Bo-sox nailbiting: Sox vs. Cards, reprisal of 1946 and 1967 when the Sox lost in the Series to none other than the Cardinals. Will the curse be broken???? I can't watch.

I do wonder, though, whether or not Texas dropping out of the running in game 7 of their penant race is not still a prescient allegory....

October 22, 2004 at 9:24 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Appears to be an epidemic of tripping...poor Fidel really took a tumble! And our own fearless leader, once again tripping over his own words, decleared recently that we categorically WILL NOT have an all-volunteer army. Wal-Mart notwithstanding, what the hell would we do without Jon Stewart to point these things out to us?
Johnny Damon for President! Go Red Sox!

October 22, 2004 at 12:23 PM

Blogger fast & wily said...

Oh yeah, TDS is great. That clip was spectacular. Fred from the hardware store correcting the PoTUS. Uh, Mr. President, are you sure we WILL NOT have an all volunteer army? But really, who needs an army when God tells you there aren't going to be any casualties?

October 22, 2004 at 12:58 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home