Thursday, September 23, 2004

No Time to Delay!

The Spinmeister Alert Today Is:
Burnished Orange

Either the GOP is feelin' a little cocky, or, like the Philadelphia City Hall, have way too much office equipment to keep track of. It looks like a couple of turntables have been sent down Texas way- the better for to spin with. In response to hearing that three of Senator Delay's "political associates" had been indicted, the GOP gave the lawmaker (and friend of alleged lawbreakers) a standing O. In a party to celebrate their ten year strangle hold on Congress, Republicans "spent nearly as much time ridiculing Democrats as they did touting the GOP record of tax cuts and other achievements." according to the WP. One might think that having one of their most visible and vocal leaders be connected to guys doing illegal stuff would be a moment to reflect, or, for some brave souls to maybe even question their leadership. This, dear friends, is exactly why you could never be a spy in the Republican camp. They would smell that pinkocommiepussy scent coming off of you from ten yards. Think like a frigging Republican. Do you got it? There they are, whirring to life....

Not one, not two, but THREE discs are spinning up in here,yo. Check this:

1) "When anybody drops indictments 40 days before an election, there's a political spin to it," Speaker J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) said." That's right, Dennis "Wrasslemania"Hastert laid on the classic, the old skool, counterspin. If he were at a turntable, this would sound like an extended scratching segue on a De La Soul record. Wick-wick-wicky-wick.

1 1/2) ""I think it has made the [Republican] members even more supportive of the leader," said GOP Whip Roy Blunt (R-Mo.), who called the indictments politically motivated." Don't forget this is the On-Message Party. Counterspin support.

2) "Clearly, the Democrats' talking points were faxed to them from the Kinko's in Abilene, Texas," DeLay said, alluding to apparently forged memos that have plagued CBS News." Ah yes, Spinnin' a Diversion. One wonders if the senator has ever gone by the name Rumplestiltskin, because he seems to think he's spinning thread into gold here. I think he might need an update on who did it in the Kinko's with the Selecta. Mayhaps it was Col. Mustard, in cahouts with Roger Stone. (Nice to see that Republicans do recycle!)

3) "DeLay said Republicans want to keep pushing their agenda, including "passing sweeping lawsuit-abuse reform and universal regulatory reform to get predatory lawyers and busybody bureaucrats off small businesses' backs once and for all." When all else fails, close with an appeal to small business owners. Blazing Turntables. Tried and true, real Amurikins respond to being told that their fetters will be cut. Votin' for the GOP is like a ride through the open prarie on the back of a horse. No busybodies! No lawyers! Just you, and the land, and the sky, and your big gun, and a couple of twenties in your pocket from your small business. Take a deep breath, get the ragweed deep in your lungs- smells like... an oil refinery. Welcome to public lands the GOP way!

In other news, Yaser Hamdi, one of two American citizens who has been held for several years as an "enemy combtant," is going to be released. The American-born Saudi will then be sent to Saudi Arabia. I guess that proves he was a real threat, huh? The way they plan to let him out and send him to Saudi Arabia where they can keep a real close eye on him. Or something.

In the meantime, the PoTUS continued to say that things were going well in Iraq and the war on terror, noting, in a press conference with the interim PM Allawi in the Rose Garden that he sees "steady progress" and that "freedom is winning." (Maybe Freedom should send some troops then, cause the Costa Ricans just pulled out.) This was followed up by a five point 'plan' that was really a four point 'plan' since the first one (handing over 'sovereignty' has already been 'done'). A four point plan. Why does that sound so familiar? Where have we heard about a four point plan before...?

So let's see here. Last Friday Kerry says "
First, the President has to get the promised international support so our men and women in uniform don’t have to go it alone. " Today, Dubya says "The fourth step in our plan is to enlist additional international support for Iraq's transition to democracy."

Hmm. Kerry said "
Second, the President must get serious about training Iraqi security forces. " Then Dubya said " The second step is to help Iraq's new government establish stability and security. Iraq must be able to defend itself, and Iraqi security forces are taking increasing responsibility for their country's security."

Well. Kerry said "
Third, the President must carry out a reconstruction plan that finally brings tangible benefits to the Iraqi people." Then Dubya said " The third step in our plan is to continue improving Iraq's infrastructure."

Golly, that's uncanny. Kerry said "
Fourth, the President must take immediate, urgent, essential steps to guarantee the promised elections can be held next year." And then Dubya said " The fifth and most important step in our plan is to help Iraq conduct free, national elections no later than next January."

Huh. Will you look at that. It's not like it's surprising how close they are in their Iraq "plans," but it kinda looks like Dubya got up and read the high points of Kerry's speech to the press corps and to PM Allawi.

Speaking of the war on terror, we should all be shocked, shocked, to discover that during the tenure of the administration who claims to be best able to protect us from future attacks (this one goes out to you, VP), undercover agents were able to get weapons and explosives onto airplanes in 15 US airports. I'm sure going to sleep better tonight knowing that I have this administration protecting me.

At least we don't have Cat Stevens here terrorizing us! But now we do have to listen to the airline and Homeland Security accuse each other of incompetance in not recognizing that Mr. Islam represents a threat of the highest order. Perhaps this bickering distracted the agents who were supposed to be watching for actual terrorists or agents posing as them who might be carrying weapons or explosives onto planes. In 15 US airports.

Jimmy Swaggart has decided to apologize for saying on Canadian television that were he to be spyed a little too closely by a queer eye, he wouldn't just pluck out the offending organ- he'd kill its owner and lie to God about it. First of all Jimmy, we're a little confused about what you think would qualify you as a hunk. Have you banished mirrors from the house as the devil's work? Second of all, we're wondering if you've got a passage that could shore up the moral side of this statement. Finally, I wonder where all this hostility comes from? Were you once burned by a transvestite hooker or something?


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