Monday, September 20, 2004

GOP pollsters hit the hills of Kandahar!

As we work our way toward the debates, the WP helpfully reminds us that Dubya hasn't taken questions from reporters for more than a month, has only had 15 press conferences throughout the entire presidency, and that he only answers canned pre-screened supporter questions at the 'town hall' meetings (what the hell kinda town halls are these?). Ah, the better for his brain to spend its time elsewhere, spinning.....

The Spinmeister Alert Today is:
Flaming Pink

One of the most effective spin techniques of the current administration is their ability to get everybody utterly on message. It doesn't matter how outrageous the claim is, if everybody is saying it it must be true. Or something along those lines. For example, if one could get every Republican to state publicly, over a short period (say three days) that John Kerry wears pink speedo underpants over his suits in Congress, John Edwards used to be a woman, and that their platform states that if elected we will all be forced to have sex with goats, then there would suddenly be all sorts of discussion of pink underpants, sex changes and a proposal for executing all goats in America.

Republicans have decided to leave the pink underpants claim for sometime in October. Meanwhile, they appear to have all received the memo that this week's message is: terrorists love John Kerry.

You might ask, how on earth could they know such a thing? Are they doing terrorist polling? Have they called up Osama and asked him what his thoughts on the election are? If they know his number, why not just capture him? Wait a second, you may be thinking, there's no way in hell that they could actually know something like this. And if they don't actually know this to be true (because if they actually know these things, then they are in contact with and asking the opinion of Osama and terrorists like him), then they are making this up.

But a complete lack of evidence never stopped this administration and its supporters! No siree bob! And it wasn't going to stop 'em now, by golly!

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert stopped accusing George Soros of making money from illegal drugs long enough to state that Al Qaeda "would like to influence this election" reminding people of the train bombings in Madrid (be afraid to vote! you'll probably be blown up on the way to the polls!). He then told reporters that it was his opinion that Kerry being elected would make it easier on al Qaeda. His spokesperson John Feehery clarified by stating "If John Kerry is perceived as being weak on the war, then of course, his election would be perceived as a good thing by the terrorists." (be afraid of voting for John Kerry if you don't get blown up going to the polls!) So apparently the Speaker knows how terrorists will perceive the U.S. elections. Does this knowledge come from empathy, or was he channeling the spirit of a suicide bomber or what?

Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage minced no words in his adherence to this week's message when he "alleged Friday that insurgents have stepped up their deadly assaults in Iraq because they want to "influence the election against President Bush"..." Is Mr. Armitage at the insurgents' planning sessions? Do they send him memos? Dear Richard, Enclosed please find the minutes of this week's meeting. Please pay particular attention to point number two, where we state that our purpose in assaulting Iraqi police cadets and American soldiers is purely out of a desire to see John Kerry in office. Sincerely, The Insurgents

Even the old hands are out there on message- and they got the memo early! Ollie North (the guy who made running drugs for guns with an embargoed country "patriotic") said on the June 8th Sean Hannity show that: "
Every -- every terrorist is hoping John Kerry gets elected. I'll say it. Every terrorist out there is hoping John Kerry is the next president of the United States." Well, gosh, Ollie, do you know every terrorist? Or just a few terrorists? Are you taking a random sample to come to this conclusion? And how did you devise your sample? Were you sure to have al Qaeda, Chechen insurgents, Iraqi insurgents, Palestinian suicide bombers and homegrown white supremicist nutjobs in numbers proportionate to their populations when you comprised your sample? Cause you know, Ollie, if your sample isn't well devised it can have a real effect on the results of your survey. And it really isn't very good methodology to extrapolate the opinion of just a few terrorists you know and could get on the horn. You should be more careful- you know, not make things up.

Of course, the Reverand Moon, stealer of old ladies' money, has been saying since mid-August that Osama is an anti-GOP guy:"The goal of the next attack is twofold: to damage the U.S. economy and to undermine the U.S. election," the official said. "The view of al Qaeda is 'anybody but Bush.' " Perhaps the reverand was catching al Qaeda's radio chatter through his crown and that's why he knows so well what Osama really wants. Or maybe he's just been talking to Ollie.

On September 16th Morton M. Kondracke stated on Brit Hume's FOX channel 'special report' that: "There's clearly a campaign going to raise the level of casualties. And I think this is a rolling tent is what we're seeing, you know, like 1968 in Vietnam, designed to discourage the United States from persisting in the -- and maybe even trying to help elect [Senator] John Kerry for all I know." Huh. Leave it to these Fox guys to figure out that the rising casualties are an attempt by insurgents to get Kerry into office. And what a clear explanation Mr. Kondracke gives- why the "rolling tent" thing in Vietnam just explains exactly what the terrorists' strategy might be. (?!?)

So hats off to the doctor of spin, who waxes and maxes the vinyl.

Oh yes, and in case you were wondering, your toothpaste may be gay.


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