Monday, September 13, 2004

Batman and Barbie! We'll have to wait for the Kim Jong Il action figure with the removable hair

For all of you out there who don't believe in superheroes, you'll be shocked and amazed to see proof that Batman is alive and well. Or at least some dotty bugger who thinks he's Batman is alive and well. First of all, someone who loves this man needs to tell him that the suit is not really flattering for the knobby and knock-knee-ed. Second of all, dear Lord, what the hell was Buckingham Palace security thinking when they let this guy in? Did it not occur to anyone that the nut in the Batman outfit might be up to something?

Other news from the weekend takes the shape of my having to apologize to Condoleeza Rice for all the times I took her name in vain and declared her to a lying cow. Apparently when she said one day we might get a smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud, she wasn't kidding. Over the weekend a large mushroom cloud was spotted over the North Korean province of Yanggang. Pyongyang claims that it wasn't a nuclear device like the one they claimed to have developed, but was a blast to blow up a mountain for dam work. Wait a second, North Korea claims to have nuclear devices, is known to have enriched materials that could be used to make a nuclear device, appears to consider everybody an enemy except for China and sometimes Cambodia (Hun Sen has North Korean body guards), and a mushroom cloud appears on the horizon.... and this prompts some finger wagging and a warning that it's not a good idea to use nuclear devices from the Bush administration. Meanwhile, in Iraq there were no nuclear weapons, or apparently any WMDs of any sort, but this prompted an invasion. Does anyone else feel like there are some misread cues going on here? Like someone needs to rewrite the "this is what a threat looks like" section of the handbook? I mean, it's hard to mix up Kim Jong Il, the dictator with the best dictator style, and Saddam. Granted, Saddam had a little bit of the Ghadahfi flavah going on (and definitely they had the same interior decorator), but there ain't no one that can hold a candle to Jam Master Jong, yo. Which kind of gets back to the good doctor Rice's claim that the mushroom cloud was going to be the smoking gun that would prove Saddam to be a threat. The same Saddam who had his hair checked for lice on national television. Huh.

Well, everyone seems to think it really was just the North Koreans building a dam. But Dr. Rice was still all confused about a rather important part of this formula, so I take it all back- she's still a cow.

Speaking of confusion over who is and isn't a threat, one has to wonder if Rummy wasn't either in his cups or if all these months of staying on message despite all evidence of what was happening in the real world has so gotten to him that he can't delineate between reality and Neo-Con Land. On Friday the king of the dismissive comment gave a speech in which:

"Among other things, Rumsfeld talked about the world just before the Sept. 11 attacks, whose third anniversary is today. In Afghanistan, he told the National Press Club, "the leader of the opposition Northern Alliance, Masoud, lay dead, his murder ordered by Saddam Hussein, by Osama bin Laden, Taliban's co-conspirator." .... Later, Rumsfeld said, "Saddam Hussein, if he's alive, is spending a whale of a lot of time trying to not get caught. And we've not seen him on a video since 2001."

Well, now, I don't know what kind of cable tv you guys got over there at the Pentagon, but damn, I do believe I have seen video of Saddam after 2001. Unless of course there is something you know that the rest of us don't. Perhaps next week we'll hear a speech from Cheney telling us that Kim Jong Il is actually Osama, he's just had plastic surgery.

Check out the RNC protection of free speech! Goes well with the little weasel who kicked a protester who had already been dragged to the floor by guards. Let's hear it for compassionate conservatism! The kind of men who would gladly send someone else to war!

Speaking of sending people to war, Colin Powell seems to think that a draft that let rich boys go to Alabama during Vietnam is a bad way to do the war business. It's not the first time he has said this (it was in his 1995 autobiography), but the timing is interesting. Actually, Powell was on a roll- he also said that it is unlikely that stockpiles of WMDs will be found in Iraq. Now, there were people who were saying such things before anybody got killed over this, but it's always nice to see people come around eventually. Particularly when it is a turnaround from saying things like "There can be no doubt that Saddam Hussein has biological weapons and the capability to rapidly produce more, many more." I hope he's drafting a memo to send to his boss.

Oh yes, and for all of those just dying to know, Paris Hilton loves sparkly things, hearts, and pink. Why?
"Pink reminds me of Barbie, who is one of my fashion icons." This seems particularly apropos now that the doll idol has had breast reduction surgery and might look more like Paris were she a real girl. You know, like someone who needs a twinkie or two.


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